Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

First of all, this story has a happy ending, although it sure didn’t look like it would when it all began.

A few months ago, a dear friend of mine was in a very dark place and disappeared. Literally gone. You can image what my husband and I feared. My friend has no close relatives and no spouse; I am the executor of his estate. I felt a lot of emotions during this time, and one of them was outrage: “How DARE you go off and leave me with all this sh*t to take care of! How dare you not clean up your own mess before you dumped it in my lap!” You see, my friend is a bit of a collector (perhaps even a bit of a hoarder) and his mother, who hung onto to everything she ever purchased, large and small, had died the previous year. He had all of his stuff and all of hers too, all undealt with. I couldn’t believe that in addition to dumping a giant emotional burden on me and my family, he’d also left me with a huge mess: a house that couldn’t be sold because of unfinished remodeling projects; an oversized garage was full of his and his mother’s stuff; a bedrooms serving as a storage room. I was furious (and heartbroken, and scared, and determined to find him, and a mash of every other emotion you can image).

The best news is: We found him and in the subsequent several months, he’s doing so much better. It’s truly a gift from God.

What lessons did I learn from this dreadful experience, and how does it relate to decluttering?

1. Organize your personal papers. What if, God forbid, the worst occurs and you die unexpectedly? Do your loved ones, who are already shaken by your death, know how to access your accounts? Do they even know where you bank? Can they access your email account? Could they cancel your movie rental subscription, magazines, and price club membership? Or are they going to be stuck guessing?

2. Make sure the you have a current will, power of attorney, and medical directive. (At least in the U.S.) I am not kin to my friend, and it clearly could have created a problem for me. This is so important for everyone, but especially, especially important to those who are single. There are will maker programs available, which I cannot endorse, but the power of attorney and medical directive are simply fill-in forms. They vary slightly from state to state, so search for them on the computer.

3. Finish one project before you start two more. People aren’t nearly as good as multitasking as they thing they are, and multitasking your life – in a big way – isn’t any more successful. Finish one project before you begin another. Don’t start painting the living room and removing the trim in the bedroom at the same time. Don’t have two quilting projects going at once. Finish one thing then move onto the next, or you may leave behind a troublesome trail of partially completed projects.

4. Clean up your own mess. We’ve all read comments on this site about people who were thrown into a giant mess left behind at the death of a relative. Sometimes no one knew Aunt Bessie was a hoarder, and the family has one weekend to clean out the house and put it up for sale. One of my employees told me about leaving her mothers’ dishes boxed up and in the trash pile because she wasn’t able to cart them away during the mad cleaning weekend. If you don’t want to deal with your junk, just think how much someone else doesn’t want to deal with it either. If you’re keeping your belongings because you really want to make sure they go to just the right owner, let me tell you, when you’re gone, they’re going wherever they land, so if it’s really important to you, take care of it now, while you can. Don’t feel overwhelmed. You can do this, one day at a time, 365 days a year.

5. If you’re struggling with poor mental health, don’t be afraid to tell others. God put us here to help one other.

Today’s Mini Mission

Perhaps what is stuck on the front of your fridge also spills over to the sides. Time to clear that off as well.

Today’s Declutter Item

We have no use for these chains, not that I can remember a time that we did. They have been loitering in the garage since out return from America and we in storage for 7 years while we were there. If we haven’t used them yet I dare say we never will so they will be donated like so many other things.

A little garage clutter

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Dirty Secret: A Daughter Comes Clean About Her Mother’s Compulsive Hoarding by Jessie Sholl

I’ll confess, it’s a bit difficult to say that I loved a book about someone’s painful life struggle, but I really did love this book. It’s beautifully written, easy to read, and the author cleverly interlaces story telling and factual information about hoarding.

The author, Jessie Sholl, lived with a mother who was initially a pack rat and who became a full-fledged hoarder after the death of her long-term boyfriend. But as Ms. Sholl makes clear, hoarding is just one symptom of a larger picture of poor mental health. Her mother isn’t just a hoarder and otherwise completely healthy and normal; not did she have great mental health prior to her boyfriend’s death. You only have to watch the show Hoarders one time to realize that the issue is way more than “For Heaven’s sake, clean up your junk.” Ms. Sholl’s mother is abusive, loving, capricious, unreliable, self-centered, indecisive, cruel, and generous, all at the same time.

At times, Ms. Sholl seems as stuck in her own efforts to break her mother from hoarding as her mother is stuck in continuing to hoard. Both repeatedly take their assigned role in this particular unproductive dance of push and push back. Unfortunately for her, Ms. Sholl tries repeatedly to clean and declutter her mother’s entire house in a major, exhausting effort, in the blind hope that once it’s clean, her mother will be able to maintain the house. Of course, just throwing away everything you can lay your hands on and scrubbing everything else with bleach does not solve any of the underlying issues.

Ms. Sholl final frees herself by 1) refusing to take her part in the dance any longer and 2) admitting to others that her mother is a hoarder and a woman with many mental health issues. In some ways, this very last section of the book is my favorite. I was a mental health counselor for many years, and one of my biggest beliefs if that you are never alone. No matter how crazy, how weird, how embarrassing your secret is, if you will let it out, you will quickly find that it is a secret shared by many, many of the people around you. In fact, Ms. Sholl eventually discovers that two of her friends have mothers who hoard. They could have been supporting each other all along, if they had been able to overcome their shame and let their secret out. I’m glad Ms. Sholl finally did let her secret out and shared with all of us, as well.

Today’s Mini Mission

Declutter something you have kept for sentimental reasons.

Today’s Declutter Item

I bought this bracelet for my mother some time ago at an antique store in Seattle of all places but due to a problem in her arm she can not wear it so she gave it back to me. I had no desire to keep it so I sold it on ebay. I hope the new owner will enjoy and appreciate it. Australian Stirling Coin Bracelet.

Australian Stirling Coin Bracelet

Something I Am Grateful For Today

Catching lots of green lights when I was out and about today.

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

Last week, I talked about shopping at the Goodwill, and we all felt a bit of dread: what happens to our stuff when we let it go?  I know the definitive answer to this question: It’s not yours any more.

I came to this perhaps obvious realization last week. For years, I have had a queen size air mattress with a leak that I have never found. I’ve tried to find it while using it (and slowly, slowly getting closer to the ground), and I tried to find it earlier this year when I blew it up just for the purpose of locating the leak. I was not successful. So last week I decided enough was enough, and I offered it away for free. A friendly fellow named Michael claimed it. He said he was going camping in two weekends, and he would find the leak if he could, and toss it away if he couldn’t. Toss it away!?! Yes, dear readers, I almost snatched the thing back.

Pretty idiotic, huh? I hadn’t found the leak, I hadn’t fixed it, and yet I’m holding him to a standard that I, myself, did not achieve. Perhaps I think it’s better if it just sits around my house for a few more years, not being fixed. How ridiculous, yet how true. Part of the reason I hadn’t thrown it out is that it’s a giant piece of plastic (plastic = bad!), and he seemed so relaxed about tossing it, if need be.  But, again, how ridiculous of me to judge.

That’s when it occurred to me: Once you let something go, it’s not yours any more.

I’m sure at times when Colleen is working at the thrift store, she see people whom she recognizes as regular shoppers and bargain hunters, and she may be secretly tempted to empty their carts when their backs are turned. But she, and others, have donated those goods. They don’t belong to their original owner any more. Yes, I think it’s important to try and find the best home for your cast off goods: a friend, neighbor, willing Ebay purchaser, etc., but once those things leave your possession, they’re gone. You can’t force the person who accepts your goods to use them to their highest and best use, especially since you, yourself, were not doing this.

Sometimes we even tell ourselves that we really value something that we’re getting rid of, so we want the next person to demonstrate to us that they’re going to value it just like we did. Or maybe we regret a purchase and know that we wasted our money, so we hope that the next person will use it so much or get so much pleasure out of the item that it will somehow make up for our bad purchase. Well, let’s face the facts, we gave it away or sold it because we no longer valued it or it wasn’t right for us, so don’t expect someone else to fix that mistake for you.

You bought it; you shouldn’t have. You’ve outgrown it; that happens. Your interests have changed; that’s natural. You inherited it; you don’t love it. Do your best to find an appropriate home and then let it go. Because you can’t control something that doesn’t belong to you any more.

Today’s Declutter Item

This basketball souvenir makes a nice change from baseball souvenir clutter but clutter it is none-the-less. I donated it to the thrift store and it sold before my shift was done that day.

Basketball Souvenir Clutter

Today’s Mini Mission

Declutter dishes that you have too many of. 

Something I am grateful for today

Making the decision to get rid of something I have been considering for a while.

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

My thrift-store shopping girlfriends, Holly, Natalie, and I hit The Goodwill Outlet last month. Goodwill, I believe, is the most common thrift store in the United States. In Austin, the Outlet is where everything not sold at the neighborhood stores goes to die (at least that’s how I think of it). It’s a massive, one room warehouse with another massive room for processing goods, and a separate area for the local offices of Goodwill – in total, a 124,200-square-foot (11,538 square meters) building.

There’s definitely a “last chance” quality to the store. Everything is put in waist-high, shallow big blue bins that are probably 4 foot by 5 foot. The merchandise is divided into clothes (probably half of the merchandise), books, and housewares. Everything is sold for $1.39 a pound. You literally push your cart onto a floor scale, and it gets weighed.

The blue bins are exchanged on a regular basis. I’m guessing that each bin is out for only about 3 hours before it is rolled away, and that’s it. Get it now, or it’s gone.

While some of the items are still in great condition, much of the merchandise has a slightly pick over quality to it; after all, it’s already been at a regular Goodwill store for a month or so, and it made me sad to watch the bins of housewares literally being dumped, sometimes accompanied with the sounds of glass breaking. There are clearly people there who are shopping professionally – one carts was filled with just VHS tapes, another filled with just books, plus plenty of folks who are either stocking up on clothing for selling at flea markets or in the used clothing markets in Mexico.

One disadvantage of the pricing system is that some of the housewares, which can be quite heavy, might now be more expensive than they were originally priced at the Goodwill. I considered buying a large set of Thomas the Train items, but because they’re wooden, they’re heavy, and the price was $40. That’s too much to risk on reselling.

Besides just being boggled by the amount of stuff, the strongest impression I left with was a desire to do more to place my no-longer-needed items into loving home, rather than sending them to the thrift store. I’m sure the person who donated the Thomas the Train set or the never used set of napkins never imagined they’d end up in the “last call” bin, and after 3 hours, they’re gone for good.

Today’s Declutter Item

Not long into my first year of decluttering I sold all of my kids ski gear on ebay, or at least I thought I did. I somehow managed to miss this jacket it must have been hiding in a different closet. Well it is sold now. Hopefully I also have a buyer for my husband’s and my ski gear too. Fingers crossed.

My Daughter's Ski Jacket

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

Raise your hand if you consider yourself an environmentalist. Mine is up! But as Kermit the Frog says, “It’s not easy being green.”

Being “green” and decluttering often do not feel like they go hand in hand. After all, you might *gasp* throw something away. You might discover that you cannot find another home for an item you no longer want or need. You may have to face up to the fact that you made foolish purchases that you now recognize as being bad for your wallet and bad for the environment.

I was once told that for someone who’s such an aggressive recycler / reuser, I was amazingly good at getting rid of things. Apparently part of how people stay green or  reduce their trash / recycling flow is to reduce their output, simply by hanging onto what they have. Most hoarders probably have very little trash, but that doesn’t make them environmentalists!

I strongly encourage you to find an appropriate new home for anything you no longer want that is reusable. Of course I don’t want you to pitch out perfectly good things, but I also want you to realize that there are somethings for which there may not be another home – somethings are too old, too tired, too broken, and too outdated to be of any continued use.

If you tend to save bits and bobs of things because you just know you’ll be able to do something with it later, you may have to accept that you aren’t going to do anything with your pile of treasures, and neither is anyone else. I recently stumbled into this trap myself. We get prescriptions from Target pharmacy, three of them each month. Target has a really cool design for the prescription bottles, and it includes a rubber-like ring around the neck of the bottle, the yellow band in this photo. Each family member has a different color ring. Sounds like a ingenius idea and when both girls were younger and would sometimes take the same cold medicine, it was really helpful. Here’s the negative: as far as I can tell, they aren’t recyclable, Target won’t take them back, and Target won’t give you a bottle without a ring. So I started saving them. Every time I put a bottle into the recycling, I could have tossed the ring into the bin, but I didn’t. Now I have about 24. I have no stinking idea what to do with them, but now it feels more wrong to throw them away because there are so many of them. I could do something with them. Maybe? Perhaps? Heck if I know. What I know is I can’t think of anything to do with them, and they’re cluttering up my drawer.

Or maybe you actually add to your clutter in your efforts to be a good steward of the environment: you grab a perfectly good item out of bulky trash or from a friend’s discard pile and “rescue it” by hauling it home. Then what? Then does it just sit at your house?  

In the past year, my recycling has gone up astronomically because I started working at a law firm that did not recycle. Now I bring it all home. (Sometimes, frankly, I can’t believe how much of my life is dedicated to refuse of various sorts.) Anything that’s broken, needs to be sold, has a second chance at life, I bring home. Yes, all of it.  But it’s not adding to my clutter, just my workload. The recycling goes directly from the van into the can. I’ve known what I was going to do with every item I brought home before I put it in the van with me: the broken coffee pot went to my daughters’ school for the STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) class. The teacher likes for the girls to have real world things to take part – like a fancy, computer-controlled broken coffee pot. The nine 3 ft. by 4 ft. presentation boards were offered up free on Craigslist and snapped up by a man who wanted to make a display for his church. The staples for the stapler than broke were taken to the thrift store, and the stapler itself went into the metal recycling.

It’s great to go those extra steps to make the world a better, less cluttered, and less trashed place, so long as it doesn’t add to your own clutter load.

 Today’s Declutter Item

Here is some more obscure clutter. A bunch on old postcards from our USA days. They came to the surface while digging around in Bridget’s clutter last month. I decided to put them in the recycling just like my mat boards yesterday. It is just paper clutter after all.

Postcards

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Photo Credit

Does your pet wear a collar and tag? If you have a pet, I hope the answer is, “Of course!” Today is a great day for inspecting your pet’s tags.

• Are they still legible?
• Are they still accurate?
• If you have a tag from Home Away or another finding service, dial the number and make sure the information they have is correct.
• Does your pet only have current tags? I once found an animals whose owners kept putting on new rabies tags like they were charms on a charm bracelet. Remove the extras.

Heaven forbid your pet should get lost, but we all know it’s possible. Even the shyest cat or the most elderly dog sometimes slips out through a open door. Keeping their tags up to date is the best way of making sure that he or she is returned to you safely.

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

A book, and its identical twin sister, have been both a clutter and a shame over the past half decade. When I purchased the pair, probably for a premium, since they came from a pricey, wooden-and-organic on-line toy store,  I thought they were pure genius, and I was a genius too. “Pocketful of Memories Book”: oversized pocket folders, one for each school year kindergarten through eighth, with room to fill in fun information such as “my autograph,” “my pets,” “my favorite places to visit.” How fun! How Simple! How never really used!

It seemed like a no-fail system. My idea was throughout the year, I would tuck special papers and report cards in the folder, tape the school picture to the front, and at the beginning of summer break, the girls could fill in the information. Clara did it a few times; Audra never did, and I stopped even trying when Clara whined that she didn’t really like filling in the little form, which must have been in third grade. She’s now in sixth.

Every time I tossed a picture, special paper, or a report card in a girl’s “memory drawer” (just the bottom two drawers of my scrapbooking supply tower), I would think, “I really should be putting this into that cute little book I bought,” and I would feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed at my own lack of follow through. Well, let me tell you, that’s heck of a lot of recrimination for two little memory books. As I used to say when I was a therapist, “Stop shoulding on yourself!”

I’ve decided enough is enough, and I am decluttering these things. Right now in fact. (A pause in writing while I got get the book and tear out the pages for recycling.) Wow! That felt good! Good bye burden, good-bye guilt! Good-bye “Pocketful of Memories Book.” Maybe you were a good idea, but not for me.

What do you have hanging around your house that causes feelings a shame, guilt or remorse – an incomplete project? memories from a person who’s no longer in your life? evidence of money ill spent?  Isn’t it time you got rid of that too?

Today’s Declutter Item

I don’t have any hats to declutter but I do have head related clutter. a hairband and two hair clips that never get used but kept just in case. Well I don’t have room for just in case so out they go to the thrift store.

Hair accessories

Something to be grateful for today

Cashing in a Christmas gift certificate. Sitting back and enjoying a pedicure was how I spent a little of my afternoon. I really should do that more often.

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy’s Weekly Wisdom

Cindy

I was surveying a newly installed fence and gate – my own – and I suddenly thought of Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project. Unfortunately for us, I don’t own her book, so I can’t mine it for an appropriate quote, but one of the keys to happiness that she extols is getting things done and off your to-do list. Make a mammogram appointment, write a thank you letter, update your resume, get your fence fixed. Taking something off your to-do list automatically makes you feel happier. I know it did me.

The sad saga of the fence goes like this: In September 2009, as a birthday surprise for my husband, I had a pretty brick fence built while he was on a week-long business trip. We already had a custom-made iron gate that matched the other ironwork on the house. Wouldn’t Dan be pleased and delighted to come home and find a beautiful little fence with the gate neatly hung? Well, he would have been, if the gate had fit. Even though it was on-site while the fence was being built, the opening was not made large enough. The gate did not fit. I dealt with the brick masons over and over. A contractor who frequently hired them intervened on my behalf. A year passed…nothing. In the meantime, we threw some junky stuff – plywood, trash cans, etc. – in front the opening to keep the dogs in. Attractive, no? No. And certainly not what I had in mind. I stewed, I fussed, I forgot about it for months at a time, but always the need to do something about it niggled at the back of my mind.

So today, two years and five months later, the fence has been rebuilt and the gate installed.

You may notice that there is still plywood behind the gate. That’s because the latching mechanism was not installed. The gate swings both ways and certainly won’t keep the dogs inside. But I can assure you that it will take less than two weeks, not more than two years, to get this job complete.

Good for me but what does this have to do with decluttering? Mental clutter! What is on your mind that’s holding you back? What chores and to-dos on the long-term list are hanging around, month after month, year after year, sapping your energy and keeping you from feeling as fully successful as you should feel?

I know that I feel so charge up from the check! on my to-do list that I’m going to tackle the gutters that keep overflowing every time it rains next. Imagine how good I’ll feel then!

What long-term burdens are you dragging around that you can declutter, and what’s your plan of action?

Today’s Declutter Item

These two ball gowns are an example of metal clutter to me. Not only are they physical clutter but I have procrastinated over getting rid of them for some time. The purple dress was made for my by my mother used once and never worn again. The other was a bargain but the glitter fabric was so rough on my underarms and was never worn. One languished because of the sentiment attached the other because of the wasted cash and it would have done in an emergency. I am just glad they are both gone now. They sold very quickly at the thrift shop.

A long awaited declutter task

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Cindy

Do you own anything that’s “too good to use”? I bet you do. I started this post by asking my mother. The first thing she said was, “Yes, and do you know what a mistake that was?” What I think is really interesting about this story is that it took my Mom less than a second to think of an answer and that the item in question was given to her as a wedding gift 49 years ago. You’ll be surprised what it was. Here’s what she said:

“Yes, and you know what a mistake that was? When we were first married, we were given a twin blanket that was ‘too good to use.’ We were sharing a twin bed then and could have used it from day one, but we didn’t. Then we got a queen bed, and since the blanket was a twin, it didn’t fit and was still ‘too good to use.’ I think about 10 years ago, it was the junk blanket that Ken (my father) used in the back of the truck.”

Wow! From “too good to use” to junky blanket in the back of a truck. What a waste of a perfectly “too good” blanket.

One of us grandkids gave my grandmother a sort of wine goblet with a half dozen rose-shaped soaps in it. The whole thing was wrapped in plastic. Those rose-shaped soaps never got used, and when my Grandmother died, the soaps were still sitting there, wrapped in now-dusty plastic. Why? I know she wanted to enjoy looking at them, but it would have made more sense to enjoy looking at them for a year and then enjoy using them for another year. Why were rose-shaped soaps ‘too good to use’?

Perhaps you have a beautiful necklace that you think is ‘too good to use’ except on very special occasions. If you really love it, and if it’s not so special that the guards from the insurance company are following you around when it’s on your neck, then why not wear it to work or church? Are you really going to enjoy it more if you only wear it once a year versus once a month? Or even everyday? I have a beautiful and expensive necklace, and it’s rare that I don’t wear it. It amazes me that after five years of almost daily wearing, I still get regular compliments on it.

When you have something that you treasure and you don’t use it, you’re not honoring that item, nor are you honoring yourself. It’s not too good to be used; that’s why it was made, and you certainly deserve to use something “too good.” What do you own that’s creating clutter by being “too good to use”?

Today’s Declutter Item

Still on a roll when it comes to decluttering with my daughter. Today we have some 3rd birthday cards who we can’t identify the giver of (gone to recycling), an old jazz ballet costume (thrift shop), 2 baseball sun visors (surprised she was willing to part with the Yankees one),  these will go to a baseball fan helper at the thrift shop, her baby music toy which has perished and broken from old age and one crazy looking rag doll she made some time ago (both binned).

More of my Daughter's Stuff

Something I Am Grateful For Today

 Having a nice dinner with a friend and to make it even better my daughter cooked for us. A great little girls night in. Hubby is out of town and Liam was out with friends.

“In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy.” Brother David Steindl-Rast

It matters not how fast I go, I hurry faster when I’m slow

Photo Credit ~ Spaghetti Gazette

According to the January/February 2012 issue of Money magazine, you’ll be happier if you

“Spend a Little a Lot of the Time

“The Reason: Frequent small indulgences give you greater happiness than occasional splurges, according to a growing body of research covering everything from the pleasures of chocolate-chip cookies and massage chairs to lottery tickets and good grades.

“The Resolution: Skip big-ticket purchases in favor of smaller ones you can spread out. Instead of splurging on dinner and a show, eat out one weekend and go to the theater the next. Rather than a designer dress you might rarely wear, treat yourself to monthly pedicures.”

I read this, and it immediately occurred to me how this information could easily lead to the accumulation of clutter. Buying something feels good, and it’s fun, so we do it again. And again.

For those of you for whom shopping really is the weak link in your decluttering efforts, how can you take this information and use it in a way that is beneficial rather than destructive? Some of my ideas are

• Coffee out or purchasing very nice coffee or tea to have at home
• Getting a pedicure (Painted toes give me a real thrill.)
• Taking a weekly class on a topic you’ve been interested in for some time.
• What else? Shopping isn’t much of a vice to me, but I know for those of you who enjoy shopping, the advice “talk a walk in the evenings” probably isn’t going to replace the thrill of shopping. What ideas do you have for buying happiness without buying stuff?